Just Got Lucky! : Purita in the City

I call this day as my “POORita” day. Worse came to worst, my brother forgot to withdraw money from the bank, I have to come for work but I only have 100 box in my pinky wallet. “So what now?” I panicked. It’s impossible to survive with 100 box if you’re working in Makati. And It’s Wednesday, I am not allowed to skip work, I have lots of things to do on my desk.

I only got one solution, “find food in the refrigerator!!!”; I hurriedly looked for a-fast-to-grab-no-need-to-prepare food, well I just got lucky! Purita found a bottle of Spanish Sardines! “It’s enough for my breakfast and lunch!” I said, and then I rushed outside as I noticed that I am already late!

Breakfast came, and I splurge on my Spanish Sardines, since it was too plenty I even shared it to my officemate Niki.

Lunch came and Purita had again her Spanish Sardines, but purita just got lucky because her officemate gave her a Barbie-Q for lunch! Woot!

Afternoon came, and I’m really am starving “again”, a big eater like me will never handle to skip merienda. But when I remembered my money on my purse, . .I ignore my whining stomach. But then, I just got lucky! Niki treated me for merienda! WOOOT!

Evening came, having 40 box in my wallet really freaking me, I feel such a loser in the city. I completely blaming myself for spending too much on food, clothes and out-of-town get aways. Spending too much for pleasure is really my sickness. I don't know, it eases my inner needs. While I was thinking which cheaper route I should take, my phone beeped.

Pattyboi: Potski, where ka?

Pots: Office why?

Pattyboi: I'm here in City Land! Let's meet! See ya!

Oh it's Patty! Aww! Well I just got lucky, after we talked to catch up on things, she brought me home, safe and sound! Woot! Thanks Pattyboi! I had fun! muwah!

Am I lucky or blessed??

Thank God! I thought no one cares for me at all. . .

And my mom gave me money tonight, so I’m not pulubs anymore!! Haha!

Emotional General Cleaning

It was I think the 1st week of December when I suddenly realized that I should clean-up and throw away what's in my closet and start a new life and rebuild my barriers to people that had hurt me. it dawned on me my worth and what I deserve to be treated. So I risked to throw away those people who took me for granted, who did not accepted me of who I am and refused to take a stand on what he or she believed in. I just realized that "hey! she's not your life! there are lots of fish in the ocean, better than him, a gentleman, respectful guy, who will not just think about today but most especially his future. Someone who has a dream, someone who will never satisfy for success. And now I am clearly sure about myself and my future, what I want and what i definitely do not want. Thanks to my past. Thanks and Goodbye.

Another problem to solve

*I feel down and oblivious with all the effort I made which I think it was non-sense for others. . and I don't know where to find inspiration to keep going despite of all issues hanging around. sometimes you wanted to escape so I may protect myself from hurting.. but I know I have to face this harsh reality that I blatantly does not belong here, no matter what I proved to them.. what am I saying?? really, I feel down.. gaadd..*

It's Finally OVER!!

I am so freaking pissed. Pissed on Danery; the way he sees things and the way he believes other more than me. Pissed on other people and pissed on this kind of situation. All of the excitement and encouragement I wrote from my previous entry, every expectations were fucked up.

Even before his birthday, I really want to talk to him, to talk to him about where this relationship will go. Because I can't pretend any longer to be his friend and trying to show people that we are okay, even in reality we are hell not okay! Lagi na lng kami nagaaway, binabalik lahat ng nakaraan, yelling with each other and even the blaming scenario stuffs. And really is so unhealthy na. If he already forgives me, why he still remember everything that happened before the break-up?

So I have decided to talk to him, clear things, and ask him to work-out our relationship. And if it so impossible to do it, the best thing I can do is leave him and forget everything and move on. I will forget and believe myself that our love did not existed at all.

But when we finally talk, and that was yesterday, in front of the coffee shop where he used to work. As if we could settle things by the road. the heck. Ayun. I imagine pa naman, a matured, calm conversation but it turned out yelling with each other and blaming on stuff that disappoint us. There are some petty issues from his birthday na ginawang big deal ng iba, until dumami at kung anong assumptions ang lumabas. And as I understand with our fight na "ako ang may kasalanan" at mas pinaniniwalaan niya ang mga "super" friends niya. yeah right! People's analysis sometimes is so babaw!and ayokong pumatol sa mga mababaw na tao.

The petty wrong accusations:
1) I called that "girl" that KIRI daw pokpok and nagpaparinig na "yuck" - My comment! haha! isipin mo na ang gusto mong isipin! Eh never ko nga siyang pansinin. I am too transparent, hndi ko maatim na tignan nga siya, pansinin pa kaya. That time (dan's birthday) Pat and I were talking about guys we met. And there are so many kapokpokan that pat did. So i've been calling her "pokpok" and even before, pokpok tlga tawag ko kay pat. Maybe that KIRi girl felt that she's pokpok kaya feeling niya siya sinasabihan ko. And the yuck thing is just an expression we both (Pat) have. Napagusapan lang namin si KIRI, nung tinanong ni ate kung sino yung babae. edi sinabi ko.yung nakapula".. ayun.. sabi ni ate "ano ba yan! mukhang bakla!" bwahahaha! =D peace!

2) I exchanged seats daw para tapatan si babalina. huh? well marco have something to do with this. He texted me na magpalit kami ni Pat, kasi na O-O.P si ate, so I did, with out thinking na may masasabi pla ang iba. which I unmaliciously did. tsk tsk. adiiikkk!!!! paranoid!!!

3) I cried daw. okaaaayyyyy... well I didn't cry. naasar ako kay ken at ate kasi pa suspense effect pa sila sa nakita nila. so I talked to them outside. and sabi, wala naman daw. so fine. I returned to my seats.
4) I said "goodbye and have a nice day! sweet dreams" kay KIRI nung umalis siya.. well well well THAT'S TRUE!!! bwahahahaha!!! and so??? what the fuck is wrong with that?? hehe ewan.. nakakatawa talaga. *iling iling*

Everything that happened on his birthday, I tried to understand him, yes, I got pissed on the latter part of his day, but after that, when I was in Ate's dorm, I didn't sleep but think and analyzed all the scenes that happened that night. And realized that it is okay, "everybody were drunk" kaya ganun nangyari.

But madami lumabas na issue. And hndi ko alam kung ano totoo. But I said to myself, there are more important things to discuss with Dan than that issue. Pero when we finally talked which was yesterday. He thought na yun ang paguusapan namin. he openned that issue and woala! endless argument, frustrations and hurt. swear!!!

after that talk, I realized na GAADD POTS, TUMIGIL KA NAAAA!!! ang tanga tanga mo na!! Obviously, dan is not the kind of guy para makipagbakbakan ako and it's not my kind na pumatol sa ibang tao na hindi ko naman ka level. sorry to say sa mga taong natamaan. I don't deserve every situation that is happening to us. I felt stupid and dumb. Running after a guy who doesn't know my worth. Who is taking me for granted, but still accepting it kasi ako nagkamali kung bakit kami nagbreak. Pero enough na yung ginawa ko para pagbayaran ang "petty" na kasalanan ko. Kung tignan niya ako parang tinwo time ko siya, sa bigat ng kasalanan ko. I don't want to stay on this kind of relationship. yung unti unting nawawala ang respeto ko sa sarili and nawawala yung self esteem ko. You know what, everytime I am with him, feeling ko ang tanga tanga ko, natatakot ako magkamali dahil baka magalit siya. See? I am always thinking about his welfare. And MALI, maling mali ang choice na magpakatonta sa isang lalaki. So titigil na ako. PAGOD na ako. Ayoko na magstay sa isang guy na lagi iniisip na nagsisinungaling ako. Sa isang guy na never makinig sa sinasabi ko. Sa isang guy na hindi man lang niya maramdaman kung may problema ako. Sa isang guy na saksakan ng insensitive. Sa isang guy na hindi ako pinapahalagahan. I sacrificed a lot but he never care to see it because of his dumb pride.

Nung una, I thought, because of what have happened, we two needs space, masyado ng masikip ang lahat.. the more we do not learn to forgive each other, or forgive and forget the past, things will be very complicated. So for now, I will leave, have my peace of mind, and protect myself from another heartbreak.

Some said, give ourselves a space... but I think I will not give him space, instead I will leave him na. Tama na! Sobra na! Nakakasuka na!

So much for loving him.. I did my part.. I already proved to him how much i love him.. I'm really tired..

Tutal, there are so many fishes in the ocean, I might catch a better one. I am still young and fresh, I can find a true Man that will be gentleman enough to stand by my side, who will fight for me no matter what, who will effortly know and love my family not detest them, who will accept of who I am, who understand on my PMS and who will love me even if everybody didn't. who will be there through times of joy, success and most especially during my down moments or my frustration, who will encourage me to stand-up and have faith in God. I know it is so possible to find that kind of guy.

I'm sorry Dan, but I will leave you na, go on, continue your selfishness, enjoy, but I am telling you, you will never find another woman like me. I'm not conceited, I am just telling the truth. Makakahanap ka man, lesser than what and who I am. i know you know what I am saying.

We will talk later: There's a Rainbow Always after the Rain

I believe that the rainbow will soon shine into my life after a heart break. Today is our judgment day; we will talk later, and decide whether we'll work out our relationship or end it. Sounds interesting or I may say nervous? Maybe for once, we should decide and go out in the grey shadow. We or I am staying in grey shadow for almost 7 months and it is not emotionally healthy at all. And maybe this will be the right time to end this and move on. I'm tired being on the uncertainties. I don't deserve this actually, so I should "maybe" (it depends on what will come out with our talk later) move on, close the door and have my own life. I will start all over again, with or with out him. I should start building my own self and take back the life that I have before I met him. Yes, this is a big sacrifice, but I think I had enough. I already proved to him my love, i patiently swallow all the thing he has done to me after our break-up. So I think it is time for me to move on. As the song Big girls don't cry goes: "The path i am walking, I must go alone, I must take the baby step till I'm full grown. Fairy Tales don't always have a happy ending do they? And I FORSEE THE DARK ahead if I stay".
I know that God will always be here for me, maybe after our conversation, I might cry or bawl in hurt and sadness, but I know God will give me enough strength to carry through. . . Whatever our decision will be. . . I know myself that I am ready to face everything..

I'm going to lay all the cards... I'll bet it all.. I will gamble this love once I believe it will last but lost.
All I want for now, is myself and my dignity.

I'm READY

*SLOWLY but SURELY*

I or rather "we" are taking things very slowly . . . maybe trying to have a fresh start I guess? We're exclusively dating, and trying to fix things in the past..

Right now, I really don't know..

I am still torn on 2 decisions whether i'll pursue it or not.

hmmm...

Hano kaya??

Bahala na...

-pots

**I smell something fishy!!**

** please Lord! I don't want finding myself saying, "history repeats itself", Please NO! I don't deserve it, in the very first place. I already experienced it, I don't want to happen again... and I don't want to feel that kind of situation again,... #no apple and christian thingy please!!# People knew, how tragic it was.. And I don't want to be in that situation again for the second time.. Because, this time it's different, I think I'll die if that happens. Please no,... if people have conscience enough, they will never do it...

*** My paranoia is killing me.. maybe I am just too cautious of what will happen, and that's my biggest fear... I don't want to feel betrayed again... please.. = ( it's too much if you'll let it.. I hope my instinct fail!

-pots

"Grey Clouds on my Head"

I don't know. . . I miss him but I know I have to stop longing for him, I care for him but I feel it is useless of showing it, I want to hug him, but my arms can't move to hug him back, I want to kiss him, but I am so scared to get hurt afterwards, I love him, but i know I have to move on. . . I have to say goodbye and face my new life without him . . . I am now confused, will I pursue it or not?

I know I have to decide and make things happen as soon as possible, this is difficult, but I have to sacrifice. . . i don't know what will happen next, all I want is to end it, to make things better for the both of us.

I feel sorry, but I guess, this is it . .

3+1=4 "A Painful Sacrifice"

I think, 4 people who says "I should do it" is quite enough to pursue some concerns that would eventually put into an end. Yeah, it took me almost 3weeks to decide. I asked different perspective, from a serious guy and girl and a chicboy and happy go lucky girl. And almost everybody said that I should DO IT!

Haays... I think they're right, and this would be the very painful sacrifice that I will make. . . I know I should speak my mind for once, and make my own stand. .

As for now, I will not tell any details yet. . I will just keep it to myself first. I'll post it when that "moment" comes.

As for now, I will let my tears flow, and eventually I'll let it dry when that time comes. . Iniisip ko pa lang, parang mamamatay na ako... Ang sakit = ( PERO KAILANGAN

-Sara

I hate this feeling #!@!@!!

Honestly, I don't like my situation . . The issues are so irritating



All I could say, no matter what happened - NO ONE can replace my FATHER!!


He's my Father and that will remain till the end PERIOD!

I don't want extravagant life, all I want is love and simple life . .


-Fabulous

+Can't think of Anything+

I have 3 pending articles, and I can't think of anything. I don't have the mood to write, I don't know why. That's my weakness, if I don't have any mood, I just can't think of any juicy words for my article. My mind is blank, I just can't think of any. My mind and body are so worn out now, and I admit I am still in the point of loneliness and heartaches. How I wish this will be over. i wanna end this, but I don't know how. I feel helpless . . . And I have no one to run to or anything. I still kept my promise to Dan that we will never share what we have agreed on something. We just wanted to make it privately for once. And I know, keeping it in silent kills me, I feel like I'm gonna burst it all out. But I don't know whom to run to. No one knows about my situation. Everybody thought that we're okay and we can settle this in the right time. If only they knew it... hah! WHY????

Anyway, so much for this.. I'll try to write something and be productive for this day... I feel hell.. haays..

~One Last Cry - how come love fades so fast?? =( ~

Monday morning of August 27 when I shed my last tears for Dan . . . I just can't believe that what I have dreamed before about his girlfriend "Emilia", is somewhat a warning for me that what am I pursuing will just crushed my heart and will make my heart breaks. My dream of a picture of him and together with a girl came true. . . And the most shocking part, "he does not love me that much" . . . The moment I heard it from his mouth, I was awaken from the reality that I am wasting my time thinking about him, caring for him and longing for him. It felt very unfair, for I am here, still loving him, while he is there playing around, searching for someone. . .

+my heart crushed+ and +I beg to him+but he was so confused+

I just can't believe that he forgot ALL the memories we have shared! From our food tripping, tulog moments, our kulitan, our inuman and yosi jammin, singing jologs songs together, coffee nights, the way I treated and loved his family, our mountain escapades, canlubang trips . . . everything that we did, it all lingers in my mind, but for him, all that left in his memories are the endless arguments that for me, we can learn something from it, but he views it as unhealthy, and he can't forget the pain that he experienced from me. Yes, I made a mistake . . . But I have done so many things to prove to him that I am so so sorry about it, and I am willing to change if he will give me another CHANCE! But he's pride is really killing me, and I have nothing to do but to GIVE-UP!!
(amphota! daig ko pa ang nanlalaki sa sakit na nadadama ko, sana nanloko na lang ako, parehas lang naman ang paghihirap eh!")

binigay ko sayo lahat.. alam mo yun! pero ayaw mo maniwala na binigay ko sa yo lahat! isipin mo kaya!!

+As hard as it may seem... I gave-up the fight+ I have nothing to do with it, I've done my part . . .+ (sob)

15 minutes after our conversation, the rain pours, as if the heavens is crying with me . . . I felt so weak and promise myself that I will never ever cry again with the same person. I let the mountain took my pain and heartaches . . . and thankfully, Mt. Batulao granted my wishes. I felt much better and relief that somehow, i believe that in the end of this tunnel there's a light that's waiting for me. I know there will be greater things along my way . . It's painful to think that everything's over (sayang talaga! kala ko may future kami together!) but I have to accept the reality that he ended it and I just gave-up.

+I have nothing to do, but everything proves me that all this time, he doesn't love me that much+

If you really love me, why your love fades so fast??? if you love truly, why you can easily moved on?? I know I can't have this answer anymore, and I don't want to know it actually... but that proves me that you really don't love me in the very first place. come to think of it!

I know I am in the stage of anger. . . I hope I may over come this... i know..

I am sorry.. pero hindi ko na kaya . . . mahal na mahal ko siya... pero aalis na ako...

+Okay talo nanaman ako dito sa tinatawag na "game of love" . . . sumugal ako.... pero natalo ang taya ko..+ haays... sana pag sumugal ako uli, sa ibang tao na..+

A little bit of crazy

" Have you ever noticed that the more special you treat someone, the more that someone takes you for GRANTED?!? . . . It is like they think you won't ever change . . ."

They say when you love someone, you'll never get tired of loving them and especially you'll never get tired of doing anything for him. But what if you were taken for granted? Do you still willing to do anything knowing that you were taken for granted? I hate that feeling, when you love that person, and you want to do everything for him, just to be with him and see him that he's fine but you will notice that something's wrong of the "give-give" situation? But the worst feeling is though you're aware of it, you still tend to accept things and be thankful that at some point you'll see him needing you. A part of my self says that it is wrong, it is wrong of spoiling him and giving him much confident that i will always be here for him ready to help and catch him whenever he needs it; although a part of me wanted to continue those silliness because your rational thoughts is telling you that "It's okey, because you LOVE him",

Why love we're created? When all this stuff tends to hurt you in the end? Why loving so much means a greater sadness and risk? I once risked for love, but look what happened? I am now still sacrificing for a person to comeback. I know, I don't deserve this to wait too long, I know I have my life. But my life is so dull without the one you truly love! So even you know that you will get hurt, even you visioned that at the end of the road you'll never have him, you still continue this disillusionment of having him someday.

I always believe that love is a give-and-take process in order to work out a certain problem, or in order for relationship to work out. It takes two to tanggo, but how will the problems be solve, if the other one is the only one who's willing to solve and fix things? Maybe the other should take his part? Or maybe someone should end this? Yes, love is in deed a risk, and now I am starting to risk everything, to risk the feelings once blooms in my heart that stating to die little by little. I should start to stop the illusion of the love of never ending. I am truly tired of hoping and trying to do my best for love. Maybe I have to take a step of looking forward. Believing myself that there is a greater love that is waiting in the end of this journey when I started to forget my feelings for him. As I am writing this line, I can't imagine how it will end, I know it will take too long to heal my wound but I know someday, I'll be OVER HIM.. =(