It's Finally OVER!!

I am so freaking pissed. Pissed on Danery; the way he sees things and the way he believes other more than me. Pissed on other people and pissed on this kind of situation. All of the excitement and encouragement I wrote from my previous entry, every expectations were fucked up.

Even before his birthday, I really want to talk to him, to talk to him about where this relationship will go. Because I can't pretend any longer to be his friend and trying to show people that we are okay, even in reality we are hell not okay! Lagi na lng kami nagaaway, binabalik lahat ng nakaraan, yelling with each other and even the blaming scenario stuffs. And really is so unhealthy na. If he already forgives me, why he still remember everything that happened before the break-up?

So I have decided to talk to him, clear things, and ask him to work-out our relationship. And if it so impossible to do it, the best thing I can do is leave him and forget everything and move on. I will forget and believe myself that our love did not existed at all.

But when we finally talk, and that was yesterday, in front of the coffee shop where he used to work. As if we could settle things by the road. the heck. Ayun. I imagine pa naman, a matured, calm conversation but it turned out yelling with each other and blaming on stuff that disappoint us. There are some petty issues from his birthday na ginawang big deal ng iba, until dumami at kung anong assumptions ang lumabas. And as I understand with our fight na "ako ang may kasalanan" at mas pinaniniwalaan niya ang mga "super" friends niya. yeah right! People's analysis sometimes is so babaw!and ayokong pumatol sa mga mababaw na tao.

The petty wrong accusations:
1) I called that "girl" that KIRI daw pokpok and nagpaparinig na "yuck" - My comment! haha! isipin mo na ang gusto mong isipin! Eh never ko nga siyang pansinin. I am too transparent, hndi ko maatim na tignan nga siya, pansinin pa kaya. That time (dan's birthday) Pat and I were talking about guys we met. And there are so many kapokpokan that pat did. So i've been calling her "pokpok" and even before, pokpok tlga tawag ko kay pat. Maybe that KIRi girl felt that she's pokpok kaya feeling niya siya sinasabihan ko. And the yuck thing is just an expression we both (Pat) have. Napagusapan lang namin si KIRI, nung tinanong ni ate kung sino yung babae. edi sinabi ko.yung nakapula".. ayun.. sabi ni ate "ano ba yan! mukhang bakla!" bwahahaha! =D peace!

2) I exchanged seats daw para tapatan si babalina. huh? well marco have something to do with this. He texted me na magpalit kami ni Pat, kasi na O-O.P si ate, so I did, with out thinking na may masasabi pla ang iba. which I unmaliciously did. tsk tsk. adiiikkk!!!! paranoid!!!

3) I cried daw. okaaaayyyyy... well I didn't cry. naasar ako kay ken at ate kasi pa suspense effect pa sila sa nakita nila. so I talked to them outside. and sabi, wala naman daw. so fine. I returned to my seats.
4) I said "goodbye and have a nice day! sweet dreams" kay KIRI nung umalis siya.. well well well THAT'S TRUE!!! bwahahahaha!!! and so??? what the fuck is wrong with that?? hehe ewan.. nakakatawa talaga. *iling iling*

Everything that happened on his birthday, I tried to understand him, yes, I got pissed on the latter part of his day, but after that, when I was in Ate's dorm, I didn't sleep but think and analyzed all the scenes that happened that night. And realized that it is okay, "everybody were drunk" kaya ganun nangyari.

But madami lumabas na issue. And hndi ko alam kung ano totoo. But I said to myself, there are more important things to discuss with Dan than that issue. Pero when we finally talked which was yesterday. He thought na yun ang paguusapan namin. he openned that issue and woala! endless argument, frustrations and hurt. swear!!!

after that talk, I realized na GAADD POTS, TUMIGIL KA NAAAA!!! ang tanga tanga mo na!! Obviously, dan is not the kind of guy para makipagbakbakan ako and it's not my kind na pumatol sa ibang tao na hindi ko naman ka level. sorry to say sa mga taong natamaan. I don't deserve every situation that is happening to us. I felt stupid and dumb. Running after a guy who doesn't know my worth. Who is taking me for granted, but still accepting it kasi ako nagkamali kung bakit kami nagbreak. Pero enough na yung ginawa ko para pagbayaran ang "petty" na kasalanan ko. Kung tignan niya ako parang tinwo time ko siya, sa bigat ng kasalanan ko. I don't want to stay on this kind of relationship. yung unti unting nawawala ang respeto ko sa sarili and nawawala yung self esteem ko. You know what, everytime I am with him, feeling ko ang tanga tanga ko, natatakot ako magkamali dahil baka magalit siya. See? I am always thinking about his welfare. And MALI, maling mali ang choice na magpakatonta sa isang lalaki. So titigil na ako. PAGOD na ako. Ayoko na magstay sa isang guy na lagi iniisip na nagsisinungaling ako. Sa isang guy na never makinig sa sinasabi ko. Sa isang guy na hindi man lang niya maramdaman kung may problema ako. Sa isang guy na saksakan ng insensitive. Sa isang guy na hindi ako pinapahalagahan. I sacrificed a lot but he never care to see it because of his dumb pride.

Nung una, I thought, because of what have happened, we two needs space, masyado ng masikip ang lahat.. the more we do not learn to forgive each other, or forgive and forget the past, things will be very complicated. So for now, I will leave, have my peace of mind, and protect myself from another heartbreak.

Some said, give ourselves a space... but I think I will not give him space, instead I will leave him na. Tama na! Sobra na! Nakakasuka na!

So much for loving him.. I did my part.. I already proved to him how much i love him.. I'm really tired..

Tutal, there are so many fishes in the ocean, I might catch a better one. I am still young and fresh, I can find a true Man that will be gentleman enough to stand by my side, who will fight for me no matter what, who will effortly know and love my family not detest them, who will accept of who I am, who understand on my PMS and who will love me even if everybody didn't. who will be there through times of joy, success and most especially during my down moments or my frustration, who will encourage me to stand-up and have faith in God. I know it is so possible to find that kind of guy.

I'm sorry Dan, but I will leave you na, go on, continue your selfishness, enjoy, but I am telling you, you will never find another woman like me. I'm not conceited, I am just telling the truth. Makakahanap ka man, lesser than what and who I am. i know you know what I am saying.