As this day end

Every hour of this day made me so insane.... ayoko na = ( i really want to give-up . . ang sakit talaga . . wala akong mahanap na outlet to ease this fuckin' feeling of hurt and loneliness . . Kailangan ko ng tanggalin lahat ng magpapaalala sa kanya.. kailangan..

Haayy... why love fades so fast??? Bakit ganyan kayong mga guys???


Sobrang bitter ako ngayon, please, I need someone, someone who'll understand me, someone who will ease the pain. . .


Pagod na ako, pagod na ako mag mahal, pagod na akong maniwala, pagod na akong umasa, pagod na akong magisip, pagod na pagod na ako. . . kelan ba matatapos to.. yeah give me 2 days and i'll get through this fuckin' feelin!

The Art of Letting Go

From my Horoscope: Endings are tough, but every ending plants the seed of a new beginning. That may not make this any easier to swallow, but rest assured that you and your sweetie are destined for bigger and better things.

Well I am always wishing for the best for the both of us. I was just wishing that someday he will realize my worth. So sad as it may seem, I have to face the reality that we're really over. I have to face every single days with a happy heart and hoping that someday cupid will find someone for me, worthy of my time and my whole being. I hope I can do this. I know I deserve someone better. haayss..
Today is another day of letting someone go. Jay-em and Fernan, my lunch and kulitan buddies are leaving today. Jay-em finished his OJT while Fernan finished his contract. And now, I am alone again, goodbye my lunch buddies, goodbye my yosi buddies.. haayy I will surely miss you!!! I know you'll find your own path as I found mine. Wishing you all the best!!! **hugs hugs**

I heard lots of news about my ex.. and it hurt me xo xo xo damn much... haay.. I have nothing to do but ignore everything..

I"LL BE ALRIGHT!!!!! SOOONNNN!!! :D

+Can't think of Anything+

I have 3 pending articles, and I can't think of anything. I don't have the mood to write, I don't know why. That's my weakness, if I don't have any mood, I just can't think of any juicy words for my article. My mind is blank, I just can't think of any. My mind and body are so worn out now, and I admit I am still in the point of loneliness and heartaches. How I wish this will be over. i wanna end this, but I don't know how. I feel helpless . . . And I have no one to run to or anything. I still kept my promise to Dan that we will never share what we have agreed on something. We just wanted to make it privately for once. And I know, keeping it in silent kills me, I feel like I'm gonna burst it all out. But I don't know whom to run to. No one knows about my situation. Everybody thought that we're okay and we can settle this in the right time. If only they knew it... hah! WHY????

Anyway, so much for this.. I'll try to write something and be productive for this day... I feel hell.. haays..

~One Last Cry - how come love fades so fast?? =( ~

Monday morning of August 27 when I shed my last tears for Dan . . . I just can't believe that what I have dreamed before about his girlfriend "Emilia", is somewhat a warning for me that what am I pursuing will just crushed my heart and will make my heart breaks. My dream of a picture of him and together with a girl came true. . . And the most shocking part, "he does not love me that much" . . . The moment I heard it from his mouth, I was awaken from the reality that I am wasting my time thinking about him, caring for him and longing for him. It felt very unfair, for I am here, still loving him, while he is there playing around, searching for someone. . .

+my heart crushed+ and +I beg to him+but he was so confused+

I just can't believe that he forgot ALL the memories we have shared! From our food tripping, tulog moments, our kulitan, our inuman and yosi jammin, singing jologs songs together, coffee nights, the way I treated and loved his family, our mountain escapades, canlubang trips . . . everything that we did, it all lingers in my mind, but for him, all that left in his memories are the endless arguments that for me, we can learn something from it, but he views it as unhealthy, and he can't forget the pain that he experienced from me. Yes, I made a mistake . . . But I have done so many things to prove to him that I am so so sorry about it, and I am willing to change if he will give me another CHANCE! But he's pride is really killing me, and I have nothing to do but to GIVE-UP!!
(amphota! daig ko pa ang nanlalaki sa sakit na nadadama ko, sana nanloko na lang ako, parehas lang naman ang paghihirap eh!")

binigay ko sayo lahat.. alam mo yun! pero ayaw mo maniwala na binigay ko sa yo lahat! isipin mo kaya!!

+As hard as it may seem... I gave-up the fight+ I have nothing to do with it, I've done my part . . .+ (sob)

15 minutes after our conversation, the rain pours, as if the heavens is crying with me . . . I felt so weak and promise myself that I will never ever cry again with the same person. I let the mountain took my pain and heartaches . . . and thankfully, Mt. Batulao granted my wishes. I felt much better and relief that somehow, i believe that in the end of this tunnel there's a light that's waiting for me. I know there will be greater things along my way . . It's painful to think that everything's over (sayang talaga! kala ko may future kami together!) but I have to accept the reality that he ended it and I just gave-up.

+I have nothing to do, but everything proves me that all this time, he doesn't love me that much+

If you really love me, why your love fades so fast??? if you love truly, why you can easily moved on?? I know I can't have this answer anymore, and I don't want to know it actually... but that proves me that you really don't love me in the very first place. come to think of it!

I know I am in the stage of anger. . . I hope I may over come this... i know..

I am sorry.. pero hindi ko na kaya . . . mahal na mahal ko siya... pero aalis na ako...

+Okay talo nanaman ako dito sa tinatawag na "game of love" . . . sumugal ako.... pero natalo ang taya ko..+ haays... sana pag sumugal ako uli, sa ibang tao na..+

Letting go

You cannot erase the past; you must let it go.

You cannot change yesterday; you must accept the lessons learned.

You cannot stop time or stand still in a world racing around in circles;

you must dance with the wind and sing with the songs that are playing.

Let whatever mistakes you have made remain in the shadows of times gone by,

and let love be the answer to the mysteries of life.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

ain't no mountain high no!

Oh yeah, I have my hiking vacation on Saturday until Monday!!


Nature is best!


I love it I like it!!


Hoping for the best!!


God Bless us!!

hehe

A little bit of crazy

" Have you ever noticed that the more special you treat someone, the more that someone takes you for GRANTED?!? . . . It is like they think you won't ever change . . ."

They say when you love someone, you'll never get tired of loving them and especially you'll never get tired of doing anything for him. But what if you were taken for granted? Do you still willing to do anything knowing that you were taken for granted? I hate that feeling, when you love that person, and you want to do everything for him, just to be with him and see him that he's fine but you will notice that something's wrong of the "give-give" situation? But the worst feeling is though you're aware of it, you still tend to accept things and be thankful that at some point you'll see him needing you. A part of my self says that it is wrong, it is wrong of spoiling him and giving him much confident that i will always be here for him ready to help and catch him whenever he needs it; although a part of me wanted to continue those silliness because your rational thoughts is telling you that "It's okey, because you LOVE him",

Why love we're created? When all this stuff tends to hurt you in the end? Why loving so much means a greater sadness and risk? I once risked for love, but look what happened? I am now still sacrificing for a person to comeback. I know, I don't deserve this to wait too long, I know I have my life. But my life is so dull without the one you truly love! So even you know that you will get hurt, even you visioned that at the end of the road you'll never have him, you still continue this disillusionment of having him someday.

I always believe that love is a give-and-take process in order to work out a certain problem, or in order for relationship to work out. It takes two to tanggo, but how will the problems be solve, if the other one is the only one who's willing to solve and fix things? Maybe the other should take his part? Or maybe someone should end this? Yes, love is in deed a risk, and now I am starting to risk everything, to risk the feelings once blooms in my heart that stating to die little by little. I should start to stop the illusion of the love of never ending. I am truly tired of hoping and trying to do my best for love. Maybe I have to take a step of looking forward. Believing myself that there is a greater love that is waiting in the end of this journey when I started to forget my feelings for him. As I am writing this line, I can't imagine how it will end, I know it will take too long to heal my wound but I know someday, I'll be OVER HIM.. =(

waaaaaaaaaaahh!!!

It's 9:22pm and I am still here in the office, trying to send the newsletter to all mailinglist. we have a problem in our server so it took me a long long long time to send this. Before, I used to send this for only 30 minutes. And now it took me 2 damn days to send this! arg!

ANYWAY!!!

You know what?? I know this is so so wrong but I think I'm falling in love with someone!!!! waaahh!!! I don't what to do this, although I still love dan, but I notice with myself that I am starting to like somebody, Oh mmyyy!!! I'm just crossing my fingers that the two destinies will not cross.

well let's just see.. hmmmm

love love love... la la la la la... love love love... la la la la la

**70% grade for the presentation -arg!**

Sir Roy and I were been working out for our newsletter template proposal. It was a partnership creativity inputs where I come-up a concept and sir Roy is the one who executes them through web design. I appreciate our team, the way we work professionally. The way we share thoughts and ideas. And really I'm learning, I learned about the technicalities on web designing;its terms and dynamics, and how to think of an idea or a template where it fits to your audience at the same time it is unique, creative and diverse.

Today is my presentation on the proposal, it went smoothly and I was able to discuss my point on every details that I made in the template. Although some areas were rejected, like the caricature on the editorial; Sir Ado (my boss) wanted to be formal, serious and businesslike - so he wanted s picture instead of a caricature; He wanted to change the textile of the ed's note to the image tile (the yellow and blue one); That's it! and he also rejected the pop-up animation buildings, because the file will be too heavy to be able to send to our million subscribers. anyway, We will work on it today for I will have another presentation on friday. He gave me a 70% grade!! huhuhu! it's okay, I know he was just doing it for me to challenge myself more. I learned that in a workplace, not all your ideas will be accepted, it need a little bit of compromising, adjusting and a lot of revisions in order to fit the common taste, theme and goal of each of any of us. =) wink!

Here is your couple's love horoscope
for Wednesday, August 22:

A happy end to an old problem coincides neatly with an opportunity for travel. Dust off your passports and make sure all your papers are up to date. When adventure comes knocking, you definitely want to be ready.

---> mah comment: I Like it!!! Actually I am looking forward for my next hike this coming saturday with my love.. hehe =) looking forward for the best!

View my new article for this month: click here!

http://sme.com.ph/sme-gadgets/gadgets.php?page=gadgets-082207-01
http://sme.com.ph/sme-news/headline.php?page=news-081607-01
http://sme.com.ph/featured-sme-month/featured-sme-month.php

Have fun reading!!!!

~Roar for this week~

My Horoscope
for Tuesday, August 21:

Something big happens in your love life and you can hardly think about anything else. It could be someone new, or maybe a milestone of sorts with your current partner. Whatever it is, keep smiling!

I am very fond and fanatic about astrology or anything that can read life and future or even a psychological test, ... hehe i've been doing this since I was in college!! When you see my yahoo account, you will see on my inbox about different readings on my love, romance, work and friendship.

I don't know why i am so fond about this, I believe that we are the one who chooses our paths, future and dreams, actually they are really all in our hands, it is up to us how we grab and handle those opportunities. But sometimes it is nice to take a peek on what our astrology is saying, whether they are true or just a fiction, and funny how it seems, sometimes astrology make sense at all! Sometimes it says exactly what happened on that day or the day before!


Anyway, so much for this, whatever happens on this week; whether it's all about my work or my relationship, I'll keep myself happy no MATTER what!

roar for this week!

Now I'm Learning =)

It's been 2 months since I started working in Planters Development Bank. In my first month in sme.com.ph as a Content Editor, it made me a little bit hard to adjust. But thankfully, because of the help and guidance of Ms. Russelle, and the other team, I am able to adjust easily and learn the whole process and system of web designing. I see to it that as I am working everyday, i will never never last the day with out learning something. From a simple moderating our SME Forum, editing the content of our newsletter every week through dreamweaver, sending the newsletter to our 3150 subscribers until loving the business writing.

I remember when I was in college, I used to sleep in class, or I was amusing myself from doing something when it's all about economics, or business writing. I felt really bored that time, from the mechanics and the technical terms - I really do not appreciate it. Then I declared: "When I am already working, I will never write anything about business! It will be definitely boring!!" I said. Everything turns up side down, and I ate my word! I am now writing different report and articles about business. And what is very amazing, I am loving it! I love writing about different companies, doing some report, I met different people, and some big people like Senator Biazon. just write write and write. Now I truly believe that a writer is really flexible! I learned that you'll enjoy doing the things and the crafts that you love.

I came here in sme.com.ph with an empty cup, and I am glad because my cup is beginning to fill little by little. I am excited for the experiences that will come. =)

Right now I accomplished three articles: Our SME Featured Article about Dental Spa Manila, our SME Gadgets; My Book World Edition II and our Special Report about the SME Toolkit Road Show.

Haayy!! i can't believe that I can write about business easily na, ang saya talaga!!

No work outside - Work inside!!

Tuesday: No work outside, work inside! woah! this was the dirt I found in my room; I haven't clean it for 2 moths! yay!! My general cleaning time!! phew! so so tired!

Monday: Coffee date with Patty :) (in her car after starbucks)

"Pots" - my legend

When I was in Sophie I was asked to create my own myth by my Professor in Literature, so I thought of my favorite things and this was what came up

There was once a couple who lived in a land called Cookie. They were Mr. and Mrs. Chips. They owned a cookie bakery near the Cookie Park. The couple was too old and his wife was barren so they can't have a child. They were lonely so they prayed and offered a big ginger cookie to the goddess of cookie for three consecutive days.

Then one day, while Mrs. Chips was kneading dough, their dog went up the table, and it accidentally dropped a plastic of flour with sweet vanilla fillings in the pot. Because of what happened, a white striking light appeared in the pot and found a beautiful and tan baby girl inside. They were amazed and happily thankful to the goddess of cookie. The couple named her "Pots", for she was created by flour with sweet vanilla in a pot. =)

-END-

Turon For Lunch

I am so busy today, I have two pending business articles and some stuffs that I have to handle. I just can't take a break because time is really precious today. Since I have lots of things in my mind, I only eat Turon and a Cup of Coffee for Lunch! good thing I took my heavy breakfast, at least I won't suffer myself from darn hunger. hehe

Addicted to Bart Simpsons

I never believe myself that i'm gonna go crazy over this witty, adventurous and trouble maker Bart Simpsons'! Because of Typhoon Chadeng, I stayed at home for two days (I was stranded by the flood outside our village, so I didn't go out or anything). In order to ease the boredom, I watched the Series 1 and 2 of the Simpsons. As I was watching it, I really can't help but laugh! It was so so much fun, before, I always believe that cartoons like Bart Simpsons is just a waste of time; "Another sloppy cartoons for a manipulative media box" I always said. Ever since I've been sarcastic about Anime's and any cartoons, but when I started watching Bart, oh hell yeah! It was really fun. A very witty boy with a very casual, funny, loving, witty family! And because of that, I will now try to watch other cartoons like GTO, Ranma 1/2 ahaha! Love it! It's a good discoveries to a close minded like me.. :D hehe

Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo

"Marriage - Laban o Bawi??"

Marriage is indeed a serious decision where you have to make plans and make sure that everything is secured, spiritually, financially, but most especially emotionally in a sense that you know yourself that you could handle a big responsibility of creating a "family". It is a lifetime decision with no turning back. Why am I saying this?? It's not that I am getting married or I wanna get married or something. Actually I'm planning to get married when I turn 25 years old. Anyway! why am I telling you this? At this present, so sad to say, people are getting married in their early age, It sad because they are not yet ready to handle a family or even dealt on their husbands and their married life. And that is one of the reasons why there are so many cases like infidelity and broken families.

Lat Sunday, I went to my sister's house and watched Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo, it was nice and humorous flick, but the movie is telling us that marriage is not a solution to escape a problem. Although the end of the story is positive, but that don't reveals to all of the people who married early, so sad to say, they live if either single parent or separated or divorced. And who are the most affected on this?? Are your children! Those innocent children who did not chose to have that kind of resentment, rejection, pain, agony of experiencing a broken family.

You don't live in this world just to get married and have many children that you can't raise! We are here to succeed, to do our mission designed to us and live life to its fullest. It is not about love, It is not about guys, but it is something that you can prove to yourself that you did it! You finally did your mission.

Marriage is a hotly issue today in our house, actually before, I never introduced my boyfriends to them, but when I finally introduced my boyfriend, they got scared, they thought that I am really serious and I am planning to get married. Well I'm not. Yes I am indeed serious, but I am not planning to settle down. All I want is for them to know whom I love, I want them to accept him. Yes, I know they are very protective, sometimes it feels suffocating, i need my own freedom for once! And I am still fighting for it. I am old enough, I know what to do, I know my limitations; they just need to trust me, and be around everytime I felt like I need guidance. I am 21 years old, so I hope I can become independent.. I know myself.. really.. anyway, so much for this.. my head aches.. ciao!

My New Curly Look

I promised myself that no matter what happened, I'm going to the parlor and perm my hair, sometimes we need to feel different by changing our style. Maybe at some point, it will ease the pain that I am feeling this time. And maybe it will boost my confident to trust myself again to love. I wanna welcome my new year with full of love, blessings and new perspective in life. I admit I 'm not that happy, but I know I can choose to be happy =) .

Things I did on my Birthday:

• I celebrated my special day in the office. It's fun really, sharing your good times with your new family - the SME solution family. I am truly blessed having them as my co-workers. I never felt being pressured working with them. I have my own time actually. With a good job that I have now, I feel really really blessed.
• In the afternoon, I had an interview with Ms. Carla of Congo Grille. It's quite fun, I had a good time talking to her, I don't know, but I felt really comfortable with her. After the interview, I went to Robinson's Galleria, had a window shopping, since I never felt tired, I also went to SM megamall, I walk and think endlessly and I realized something, then i rode the MRT and went to Glorietta 4. I had my food tripping; bought a shawarma, waffle, squidballs, ice tea and C2, and lit 2 cigs. It feels good actually, I know it sounds crazy, but I wanna feel my solidarity. Before I am so afraid to go somewhere alone, but that time, I feel very very happy, peaceful and contented. I really had fun with my malling marathon. hehe
• Saturday: I went to F Salon to perm my hair, it consts 1,245.oo php. The treatment and procedure lasted until 7:30pm, then I went somewhere, then met Dan, Rein and Lj at 9:30pm. We went to Laguna Canlubang, and we drink and puff all night till dawn. it was fun actually
• Sunday: As we woke up, we had our breakfast and we drink again, (darn), Dan and I went home very late, darn it was 10:30 pm then, we had a small misunderstandings.

Painful Realizations:

• The two days that I am with my ex-boyfriend, I can feel that he doesn't care about me anymore, he leaves me anywhere, he mingles with others, he never texted me or anything - and it really hurts me. He is not the old Dan once I used to know. He's a totally stranger to me. I don't really don't know what is real, and what is not. I don't know what will I believe in, am I going to believe the words he utters and said that he still loves me ("oo naman! mahal ko pa din siya!"), or will I believe of his cold actions towards me? I am so confused... or he was acting like that because he is still hurt?

Painful reality:

"Action speaks louder than words"

• For ones, I want to decide for myself, and now (maybe) I am moving on, I'll go on with my life.. and I will stop hoping that he will come back again. So sad, but it's true. . . . =(
  

Hanggang kailan pa??

Minsan mahirap mag-antay na walang kasiguraduhan kung babalik siya o hindi. Kahit gusto mong magparaya, minsan naiisip mo, parang may mali? Pero kahit alam mong mali, pinapagpatuloy mo pa din, nagbubulagbulagan sa katotohanan, binubulag ka ng mga nararamdaman mo. Kahit mali; sige pa rin ng sige, kahit mukha ka nang tanga; lalo pang nagpapakatanga, kahit nasasaktan; tanggap lang ng tanggap. Ganun ba ang pag-ibig o ganun ba ang tao? Pabago-bago, dati mahal na mahal ka, ngayon halos iwasan ka.

Pinipilit mong itama ang mga maling nagawa mo – alam mo sa sarili mo na nagbago ka at may natutunan. Ngunit bakit kahit nagbago ka, bakit hindi pa din pansin? Bakit nakatapak pa din sa paniniwala na hindi ka magbabago? Paano mo mapapatunayan na ikaw ay nagbago kung ikaw ay iniwan niya? Papaano mo mapapatunayan na mapaglalaban mo siya kung ayaw ka naman balikan? Hanggang saan magpipilit magbago? Hanggang kalian ipagsisiksikan ang sarili? Kung mahal mo siya, bakit gusto mo siya ipagbago? ako lang ba ang dapat magbago? Di ba, dapat tayong dalawa?

Kung mahal mo ang isnag tao, kahit ano pa siya, kahit sino, at kahit ano pa ang nakaraan niya, tatanggapin mo, kasi MAHAL mo siya. Kung mahal mo siya, kayang palambutin ng pagmamahal ang sakit na nagawa niya. Pinilit gawin ihilom ang sakit, pero tila wala pa din, nasasaktan pa din siya. Hindi na alam kung ano na ang gagawin upang maibsan ang sakit na nadarama niya, ginawa mo na lahat, pero tila oras lang ang makakapagsabi kung kelan maghihilom. Hanggang kalian pa? Hindi sa lahat ng panahon nakatapak sa mundo ng walang kasiguruhan. Hindi sa lahat ng oras tayo ay nagmamaangmaangan sa tunay na nararamdaman. Hindi lahat ng panahon ganto tayo, nakakapagod humabol, nakakapagod umiyak, nakakapagod magantay sa walang kasiguraduhan, mahirap kapag nakabitin ka sa ere at hindi mo alam kung papaano ka gagalaw, kung saan ka magsisimula. Alam mong mahal mo siya, pero kung magulo pa ang isipan, lalayo na ako, at kakalimot sa mga masasayang karanasan. Siguro naman minsan isipin ko yung sarili ko, isipin ko naman na tao din ako, at nasasaktan, patas na tayo, napahiya mo na ako, nagpakatanga na ako sa marami, nasaktan mo na din ako, siguro hindi ko na pagsisiksikan ang sarili… masakit man ngunit hindi na ako aasa, mahirap man pero kakayanin ko, masaya ako sa iyo, mahal na mahal kita, pero hanggang kalian pa??