Masochist says: “I surrender in this love department!”

A friend once asked me a question whether I will choose the short term happiness or the long term ones. I didn’t actually digest his question because I was so crazy in love chasing my ex-boyfriend that I just can’t profoundly think about it yet because I knew that time that I am indeed happy of what I am doing.

But the more I am making myself believe that I am happy, the more his question dawned on me as I went home after being with my guy that something is wrong with what I am doing on the situation. Then It suddenly came into my mind, am I really that happy? I know seeing him and being with him surely makes me happy; but how come after those moments, when I found myself alone in my room, I suddenly see myself crying, feeling empty, too much sadness and pain? Is this the short term happiness that my friend is pointing out to me? Is this what I want forever?

Then I was awaken with the reality that I think I’m not having any direction with this kind of relationship. It’s like going into nowhere; I am actually riding a journey with the hope that we can be together again but looking at the reality, I am obviously heading to nowhere with a false hope of having him again. I remember I read a book about Personal Development, and it says that in any action you take or anything that you want to do, make sure that there’s always a purpose and motive why you are doing it. So I realized, If I made an action or a decision in my life without any purpose at all, it means I am leading to nowhere and it just mean that I don’t have any goals in life. And if I don’t have any goals to any areas of my life, I will surely see myself doing the same mistake that I did on my past. And history will always repeat it self if I didn’t do something different about it. Though I know it’s a really tough decision but I think this is the time for a drastic change - leaving all the things and people that will always make me remember about him, and of course leaving him; he who I chose to consider as my “world”.

I should decide on my own, and search for the real happiness that I am craving for a long time. I know it will be a very “baby” step to be actually move on, but I have already set my goals that I will leave everything not because I am just hurting about the situation, but it is because I know that we need to grow, we need to find our own selves, and solve our own set of problems alone.

Having this relationship made me learned that I loved myself less, so leaving in this situation will mean loving myself most, loving my music, my art, and my passion to writing. I will somehow build walls or barriers for a while so I can rebuild myself to be whole again.

It will really take too long until I am so free from my commitment phobia, but at least I know where will I go in this journey.

I can confidently say, “Hey Francis! I am now choosing my long term happiness!” *grin* =D