“Kung alam mong talo ka, bakit kailangan mo pang mag aksaya ng panahon diyan?” said my eldest brother. We were discussing something that made me confused of whether what to choose. I admit that there are times I am confuse of what I want. What he said struck me and realized something regarding my “other” issue of my fragile personal life. I realized that Hey! My brother is right, why stay when I know I will just going to get hurt? Why put myself into a trouble when I know in the very first place I will stumble? Life is always has a fair share of joy and pain. But for me, pain is the hardest way to deal. It feels as if my whole world is going to shrink, and I can’t find any outlet to let it all out. It’s like as if I want to sleep forever to avoid finding myself looking at the nothingness.
I may say, this is the hardest point of my life, the battle of self worth, completeness, satisfaction and self belonging – Myself is fighting over ones inner self. I tend to search for something I thought it will compromise to the big spaces inside. But I will just get disappointed for I just can’t find them to fill those holes inside. And the more I search for it, the more I lose my worth as a person. It is like I wanted to prove something yet it turned to be the most fucked up situation I don’t want to be in. And I don’t know what path I will take, or I don’t know where to go for there is no way to go. I will find myself solving them alone and looking for someone who can understand and who will make me feel that everything is just alright. But you can’t find anyone who would bring out the best in me. I look at them as just filler of my external needs, a shallow perspective – so vague, so not true. Sometimes I think that we are living in a very plastic world, where I have to pretend what is opposite on what you truly feel. Putting some mask to cover the real self. To put some walls and barriers to those who wanted to come inside. I tend to push them away so they may not see how weak this lady who tend to be strong outside.
I tend to start all over again, to asses what I really want, and what path will I choose. I will try to forgive those people who have the most influence of my life and made this pain growing inside. Slowly, I am losing myself, and I don’t know which way to run to. It will take a very long time to heal this wound, but I will always try my best to survive as long as I live in this gray-shallow world. I know everything I have inside, the certainties of what my future holds are starting to deteriorate, and I am now looking for answers of which way is best for me.
I don’t need someone right now; I just need myself alone . . . . . .
I may say, this is the hardest point of my life, the battle of self worth, completeness, satisfaction and self belonging – Myself is fighting over ones inner self. I tend to search for something I thought it will compromise to the big spaces inside. But I will just get disappointed for I just can’t find them to fill those holes inside. And the more I search for it, the more I lose my worth as a person. It is like I wanted to prove something yet it turned to be the most fucked up situation I don’t want to be in. And I don’t know what path I will take, or I don’t know where to go for there is no way to go. I will find myself solving them alone and looking for someone who can understand and who will make me feel that everything is just alright. But you can’t find anyone who would bring out the best in me. I look at them as just filler of my external needs, a shallow perspective – so vague, so not true. Sometimes I think that we are living in a very plastic world, where I have to pretend what is opposite on what you truly feel. Putting some mask to cover the real self. To put some walls and barriers to those who wanted to come inside. I tend to push them away so they may not see how weak this lady who tend to be strong outside.
I tend to start all over again, to asses what I really want, and what path will I choose. I will try to forgive those people who have the most influence of my life and made this pain growing inside. Slowly, I am losing myself, and I don’t know which way to run to. It will take a very long time to heal this wound, but I will always try my best to survive as long as I live in this gray-shallow world. I know everything I have inside, the certainties of what my future holds are starting to deteriorate, and I am now looking for answers of which way is best for me.
I don’t need someone right now; I just need myself alone . . . . . .
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